The Bot Is Back

Pictured here is that press-loving prick of a Worm Bot that's infected most of the computers on this side of the space-time continuum. I've only seen this bubble-blowing imp once before (see The Worm Has Turned posting) and seeing him again last night filled me with a kind of ambivalence I'm just not comfortable with. I mean, I can love and hate anything at the same time right along with the best if them but, when it comes to loving something one minute and then hating it a minute later, that makes for a very long day.

This particular worm bot is allowed to frequent Think-A-Holic Lounge because he's supposed to have turned over a new leaf. Or so Angus McCloud, our bigass head bartender, was led to believe. I even bought this gum snapper a shot and a beer before I realized that he was not the Real McCoy but an actor hired by the Management (Angus McCloud) to play the Worm Bot we had all gotten used to. Replacing the real Worm Bot that had apparently spurned us for brighter horizons, piggybacking his way on broadband feeds from Earth. What a stupid, dirty trick. Going Hollywood or going Madison Avenue in this part of the Milky Way Galaxy will only backfire on you and Angus should have known that.

And I should have known this joker was a phony the moment I walked into the Lounge last night. But I've always been a day late and a dollar short. So, I had no clue until I popped one of his biggest bubbles with my pocket knife and wound up someplace I'd never been before and someplace I hope I never have to visit again. Just the very thought of entering such a wormhole gives me the willies. And when I get the willies I lose my ability to do anything except mezz out in front of the tube with a six-pack and a TV tray filled with munchies.

It's enough to make you wish for a real worm bot. Having your browser hijacked is nothing compared to the upside down and inside out world that awaits you if you so much as look in his direction. And, whatever you do, don't burst his bubble.

The Worm Has Turned

Think-A-Holic Lounge, as you well know, occupies no space in the physical universe because it has no position in the space-time continuum. None of us regulars at the Lounge has a clue as to what the hell that actually means but it doesn't matter to us because most of us are think-a-holics anyway and think-a-holics never worry about anything.

The Earthling tendency to worry and fret and obsess over anything and everything is a great karmic magnet that causes things and events to transpire on that planet that will actually be worth worrying about. Like all the computer viruses and worms that have recently been unleashed upon that planet because of the self-fulfilling prophecy of worry that Earthlings drag around all day long, day in and day out. Just like a big monkey on their backs that feeds on the banana of their fear, if you will. One of those monkeys is pictured here. He has no name because he's been given every name in the book by Earthlings who fear anything and everything, especially if someone else fears it first. Monkey see, monkey do, it seems, is Earth's biggest cottage industry.

The odd thing about this particular monkey is that he was once a common, everyday computer virus who morphed into an infamous computer worm after he started getting a lot of press. But this particular robotic worm was not created by a basement-dwelling, twenty-something, hermit nerd in America who has debilitating authority issues or by an anti-American Third World terrorist who makes his or her living scamming the elderly in the USA fly-over via email. No, this worm was invented by every fearful Earthling whose own guilt about one thing or another opened the door for a karmic penance they felt they had coming to them.

But when Earthling fear breathed life into this particular worm bot, it soon developed a mind of its own. Now it appears just about anywhere in cyberspace as this harmless-looking imp and it's even infected this portion of non-space with it's clever, ambivalent presence. Every time you click on the creepy little worm he takes you somewhere you've never been before. Quite often, it's somewhere you'd rather not be or else someplace you'd never think of visiting in a million years. Either one, or sometimes both.

Here, at Think-A-Holic Lounge, we've kind of taken a liking to him. We're not sure why. There have been scarier worms floating around the cosmos. We think this particular worm has turned over a new leaf. And I guess that must be the reason we think-a-holics just let him come and go as he pleases.

Beam Bot

Now that the Super Bowl and the U.S. Presidential Election are both done deals, things have quieted down a little at Think-A-Holic Lounge. There aren't nearly as many fights in the parking lot now and only a handful of unruly patrons are being tossed out the front door each weekend by Bouncing Bobbi, the Lounge's new female bouncer. But the Lounge's big-ass head bartender, Angus McCloud, is always on the lookout for new kinds of trouble.

This afternoon Angus introduced me and a couple other think-a-holics to the latest security bot hired by the management of Think-A-Holic Lounge. It was designed to put down violent patrons before they have a chance to inflict any bodily harm on anyone or do any serious damage. Angus calls this machine Beam Bot (see pic) because it can "taser" a troublemaker from fifty feet away with an invisible particle beam that renders temporary unconsciousness. Beam Bot is supposed to "taser the perp" and then catch him or her before they fall to the ground and hurt themselves. Unh, hunh.

When we asked Angus if this Beam Bot thing was legal, he reminded us that Think-A-Holic Lounge occupies no space in the physical universe and, therefore, it has no actual position in the space-time continuum. I guess he was trying to tell us that this is the new frontier and therefore, lawlessness was permitted. Yeah, right. Especially when all you have to do is grease someone's palm. When I asked him if he was expecting trouble or looking for trouble, the big ol' Scottish ghost just shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm just doing my job," he told us with his thumb poised over the "ON" button on Beam Bot's remote.

"What's that big rocket on his back for?" one of the regulars asked.

"Damned if I know," replied Angus. Then he turned on the bot.

I should have expected what happened next. Beam Bot came to life with an ominous, whirring sound, scanned everyone in the parking lot with his particle beam gun, and then returned to me and held his beam snout steadily on me. Sweat trickled down my face and I felt like running. But I knew better.

"Now, about that bar tab of yours, Jonco," said Angus, still aiming the remote at his brand-new bot toy. Everybody howled with laughter as if Angus had delivered the most comical line they'd ever heard. I wasn't laughing.

"Funny," I snorted and went inside to order up a double shot of think-a-hol and a single bubbly chaser from the relief bartender.

I chuckled to myself after I tossed down the think-a-hol because I knew that it was only a joke. Still, looking out for trouble is one thing but looking for trouble is quite another and almost always a self-fulfilling prophecy. But, hell, if I had a nifty toy like Beam Bot to play with, I'd probably be just as eager as Angus was for the next barroom brawl.

Drive-Off

There have been a lot of fights at Think-A-Holic Lounge ever since the quasar TV at the Lounge began broadcasting American Presidential Campaign news from Earth.

Politics, sex and religion are forbidden topics of discussion in public establishments throughout many galaxies because the end result is often trouble in one form or another. And any discussion of politics invariably leads to fighting when adult beverages are involved. Despite that, Think-A-Holic Lounge offers a safe haven for creatures who thrive on heated debates based on these three subjects. The owners and staff at the Lounge know a money-maker when they see it. And nothing draws a crowd like a presidential campaign. And nothing causes more fights, either.

Since Think-A-Holic Lounge specifically forbids fighting within its doors, clever patrons have been taking to the parking lot to settle their arguments. But a rowdy crowd in front of a tavern never looks good and it never encourages potential customers to enter.

And that's why Angus McCloud, the Lounge's big-ass head bartender, hired this "Bouncer Bot" (see pic) to patrol the parking lot at Think-A-Holic Lounge. We call him Drive-Off because he can break up a fight and drive off the troublemakers without even shifting into second gear.

I, myself, was chased more than two blocks by Drive-Off one night after I started a fight with a Republican hardliner who called Hillary Clinton (my choice for President) a FemBot.

Bot And Paid For

I had my first falling out the other night with Angus, the ghost bartender at Think-A-Holic Lounge. He does all the hiring and firing at the Lounge.

Angus replaced the two masked doorpersons (see the Employees-of-the-Month posting) with a bot (see pic) on loan from my book reviewer, who lives on the planet Mercury. Angus said he did this to save money on benefits but I know damn well that Think-A-Holic Lounge, which is owned by a conglomerate from the planet Pluto that manufactures ripoff brands of men's and women's colognes, doesn't even pay minimum wage, let alone offer benefits to their sorry-ass employees.

Anyway, this is what the new "bouncer" looks like. Angus calls him Bot Boy.

I call him a "mistake", but not to his face.