Thanking My Lucky Stars

Cosmic taverns on this side of the space-time continuum pretty much stick together when it comes to keeping undesirables off their bar stools and especially from behind their bars. And Think-A-Holic Lounge is no exception. The Lounge has participated in the Intergalactic Alert Program ever since Angus McCloud, our big-ass head bartender, has been tending bar there. And that’s been well over four hundred years now.

One Wednesday afternoon, as I sat on a stool enjoying my quiet time at the Lounge, this character (see pic) waltzed into Think-A-Holic Lounge like he owned the place. He bellied right up to the bar and told Angus he was from Earth (yeah, right, and I suppose he walked here) and that he was looking for a bartending job. Angus immediately recognized his face from the list of intergalactic alerts that went out just last week.

According to the alert, this kooky-looking stranger was nothing but a freeloader who had tried to get himself jobs in convenience stores and taverns all over the galaxy. Whenever he succeeded, he’d then graze his way into unemployment by eating and drinking as much of the stock as he could. Invariably, he’d get caught and get fired. I sincerely hoped the old bum wouldn’t try to put the bite on me.

Well, Angus didn’t even let this goober’s butt hit the bar stool. Without even saying a word, the big ol’ Scottish ghost tossed the stranger out on his ear. During the scuffle, I had a change of heart and managed to slip a solar sawbuck into the left pocket of this freeloader’s tattered black cardigan. I also snapped this picture of him with my cell phone camera.

I really felt sorry for the old guy. I figured that, if it weren’t for a wee bit of good luck, that old jasper could very well be me. I thanked my lucky stars that the old bum wasn’t me and, with that thought in mind, I quickly ordered a double shot of think-a-hol. Without the usual bubbly chaser.

Drive-Off

There have been a lot of fights at Think-A-Holic Lounge ever since the quasar TV at the Lounge began broadcasting American Presidential Campaign news from Earth.

Politics, sex and religion are forbidden topics of discussion in public establishments throughout many galaxies because the end result is often trouble in one form or another. And any discussion of politics invariably leads to fighting when adult beverages are involved. Despite that, Think-A-Holic Lounge offers a safe haven for creatures who thrive on heated debates based on these three subjects. The owners and staff at the Lounge know a money-maker when they see it. And nothing draws a crowd like a presidential campaign. And nothing causes more fights, either.

Since Think-A-Holic Lounge specifically forbids fighting within its doors, clever patrons have been taking to the parking lot to settle their arguments. But a rowdy crowd in front of a tavern never looks good and it never encourages potential customers to enter.

And that's why Angus McCloud, the Lounge's big-ass head bartender, hired this "Bouncer Bot" (see pic) to patrol the parking lot at Think-A-Holic Lounge. We call him Drive-Off because he can break up a fight and drive off the troublemakers without even shifting into second gear.

I, myself, was chased more than two blocks by Drive-Off one night after I started a fight with a Republican hardliner who called Hillary Clinton (my choice for President) a FemBot.