The Barstool Journal of Jonco Bugos

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Bot And Paid For

I had my first falling out the other night with Angus, the ghost bartender at Think-A-Holic Lounge. He does all the hiring and firing at the Lounge.

Angus replaced the two masked doorpersons (see the Employees-of-the-Month posting) with a bot (see pic) on loan from my book reviewer, who lives on the planet Mercury. Angus said he did this to save money on benefits but I know damn well that Think-A-Holic Lounge, which is owned by a conglomerate from the planet Pluto that manufactures ripoff brands of men's and women's colognes, doesn't even pay minimum wage, let alone offer benefits to their sorry-ass employees.

Anyway, this is what the new "bouncer" looks like. Angus calls him Bot Boy.

I call him a "mistake", but not to his face.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Blog Bird from Outer Space

Since Think-A-Holic Lounge is not located in the normal space-time continuum we get all kinds of people dropping in, especially on the weekends.

Last weekend this androgynous poppin' jay plopped down on the bar stool next to me and ordered a "Dum-Dum", which is a popular drink in the Milky Way Galaxy and a special elixir that effectively offsets the affects of think-a-hol, which is the most popular drink with locals at the Lounge. Then s/he asked me a point-blank question in a highly accusatory tone of voice that turned heads.

"Aren't you that indie author who's all over the Web?"

"I might be," I replied, not wanting to own up to something right away that might not be a good thing for me.

"Hmmpphh!" the half-human and half-bird snorted contemtuously. "Well, i tried to leave comments on some of your blogs and they wouldn't take. What kind of blogs are they anyway? I never heard of blogs that you can't comment on." S/he then lit a cigarette and blew the first puff right in my face. I could hear Angus, our big-ass bartender, stifling a laugh as he witnessed this social event going south.

"That's really none of your business," I explained to the bird thing. "Besides, if you have something you want to get off your chest, why don't you just get your own blog and post it?"

The face on the androgynous birdman-birdwoman thing turned six shades of red, s/he having been bested by my brilliant think-a-hol-fueled logic, and did an about face. One to its advantage, of course.

"My!" it squeaked caustically. "Aren't we touchy and defensive tonight! I was just kidding!"

Angus was unable to stifle a loud guffaw at that point and I disappeared into the men's room to collect myself. When I came back I noticed the bird-not-a-bird creature sitting at a table across from another author and the first thing out of its mouth struck me funny this time around.

"Aren't you that e-book fantasy writer?" the bird with the little beard and the page boy hair-do asked him.

"Not anymore," he lied. "I gave that up when I published my first book of blogs and it hit the New York Times bestseller list like flies take to shit".

It was my turn to laugh this time and I kept laughing on my way out the door and all the way home.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Think-A-Hol

Think-A-Holics, like me, mostly drink think-a-hol at the Lounge but other beverages are also served there. Still, nothing provides inspiration for writing like good ol' think-a-hol, especially when it's served neat and with no chaser.

In small amounts, think-a-hol (see pic) can enlighten even the darkest and unusable mind and in larger quantities it can even produce revelations, but only in minds that are already ripe for them.

There are many types of think-a-hol and not all of them go down easily. Some burn the tongue and then settle like warm heat once downed. Other kinds are smooth and even buttery but, afterward, sour the stomach and burn the heart.

Not all think-a-hol costs the same. Some of the cheapest stuff will bring out the best in a person while, more often than not, the most expensive blends will show the worst and darkest side of those who drink it.

But, once you become a think-a-holic, there's absolutely no turning back.