The Barstool Journal of Jonco Bugos

Friday, July 20, 2007

Stalking the Wild Think-A-Holic

After finding a sleeping old man in the alley outside of Think-A-Holic Lounge one night a couple months ago (for some background, see the Lost in Translation posting) and then finding a frog in his place a few nights after that (see the Froggy Night posting), I finally came to the conclusion that I'm being followed. Yessir, that's it. I'm being stalked by a shape-shifter or something from another world or maybe another realm.

Further proving this theory, I stumbled onto the old bum again last night (see pic), that same, weird, old codger who sleeps sitting up and with his eyes wide open. Last night, it was exactly the stroke of midnight, Betelgeuse Time, when I happened onto the aging oddball, after stumbling down the front steps. And there he was, loitering on the same bench, but under the bright streetlight this time. I was high on think-a-hol, of course.

When I spotted the crazy old coot, I didn't even hesitate to take a snapshot of him with my trusty cell-phone camera or to approach him this time or to engage him in polite conversation. I figured if he was a real shape-shifter he wouldn't be able to stand the kindness. Also, I thought I'd try speaking to him in Spanish this time, just to throw the old curmudgeon off balance. Just to see if he'd try to run another language game on me.

"Oye," I said to him as he sat there pretending to ignore me, "que pasa?"

"Sorry, buddy," the weird old jasper said in a tired, jaded voice, "I don't speak Italian."

It's Spanish, Pops, I thought to myself, not Italian. Then the old guy's image began to waver and fade. I thought about running but I held my ground, totally transfixed on the otherworldly scene before me. Then high-pitched laughter could be heard coming from his fading form just before he vanished altogether.

Naturally, I went back inside the Lounge for another shot of think-a-hol and a bubby chaser which I nursed quietly in a corner booth until last call.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Brain Bot

The management at Think-A-Holic Lounge recently installed a new game (see pic) in light of the new gaming and gambling craze that has swept through the entire galaxy in the past few years. Angus, the Lounge's big-ass ghost bartender, told me that the game, called Brain Bot, was for amusement purposes only.

I discretely watched from the sidelines one night as Lounge patrons slid coins into the odd-looking contraption and then asked it various questions. Brain Bot seemed to know the answer to everything in the universe and quickly became a local hit with the regular weekend crowd.

Not wanting to be a party pooper, I finally decided to give ol' Brain Bot a try. Just before last call I dropped in a Solar Silver Dollar and asked it the first question that came to mind.

"Will I ever become a rich and famous author," I asked Brain Bot, "who is widely respected for his work?"

A small crowd had gathered around while Brain Bot whizzed and whirred, searching its nano-brain for the precise answer. Even Angus McCloud, the big-ass head bartender, waited in eager anticipation. After a couple of seconds the new, state-of-the-art, hi-end, "for-amusement-only" game bot replied.

"Yo no hablo Español," it replied.

While the laughing crowd dispersed and Angus tried in vain to suppress a chuckle, I quickly ordered a double shot of think-a-hol and a bubby chaser. To go.